The slow fade
Do you know that fairytale about a love that lasts forever? The one where you have butterflies for your partner until you are old and grey? Unfortunately, that is not how real life works. The truth is that the butterflies and warm fuzzy feelings may come to an end. But do not panic as this is normal and if your relationship is built on a strong foundation you have nothing to worry about.
However, there are some cases where the inevitable distance is too much for your relationship to handle. The tricky part is figuring out whether it is a phase you can get through or the final moments of your union. Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself to help find the answer.
How to find out whether it is a phase or your last hurrah
Does any of you feel the need for more and more space?
Personal space in a relationship may be underrated, but it is very important. It could be physical space or emotional distance. If you or your partner asks for this, then there should be no cause for alarm.
The trouble comes in when either of you keeps asking for more space and time to be alone. That could either be a conscious or subconscious attempt to distance yourself from the relationship. That way when the inevitable end arrives, it is easier to detach.
Are you using sex as a smokescreen?
Does sex seem to solve every problem you have in your relationship? Do you consider it the only thing that is keeping you in the relationship? If the answer is yes, then the chances are that you are headed for the end. Many couples hide behind healthy intimacy forgetting to deal with all the issues that drive them apart.
Are there pet peeves that either of you can’t deal with?
No one is perfect so there will always be a few things about your partner that will annoy you. Maybe it is how she leaves her shoes all over the house. Or it could be the old toilet seat up or down debate. You should probably start getting worried if these pet peeves you or your partner have started to seem unbearable. That is often a sign of detachment. You no longer want to excuse the behavior subconsciously, and you are pretty much packed and ready to hit the road. So if your answer here is a yes then this is not a phase.
Do you miss each other when you are away?
If your answer to this question is yes, then there may be hope for your relationship yet. It shows that there is still some emotional investment in the arrangement. You are probably still willing to work on it, and so the distance is a phase that you can very easily overcome.
On the other hand, if you feel happier being away and you dread seeing them again, then it will probably not be ending with happily ever after for you.
Do you understand the problem at hand?
The distance you are experiencing in the relationship did not manifest from thin air. It is usually a result of unresolved issues. If you understand the problem and you are willing to work on it, then your relationship is more likely to weather the storm. However, if you are still in denial of there being an issue or you do not understand it, then your relationship is probably on its way to being over.
Are you playing the blame game?
The distance in a relationship crosses the line and becomes toxic when a couple starts to play the blame game. Maybe you do not acknowledge your part in the issues, and neither does your partner. If this is the case, then it is unlikely that what you are going through is a phase. However, if both of you are willing to accept liability and work on making things better then it might just end up being a phase you will get through.
Are you willing to compromise?
Sometimes the difference between a phase and irreversible distance in a relationship is the willingness to compromise. Coming to a compromise might be hard, but if you truly want the relationship to survive, then it is something that you will have to do. The important thing is to ensure that both of you understand what the problem is in the first place.
Do you see a future with your partner?
The question is pretty self-explanatory. If you see life with your partner after this unpleasantness, you might just be dealing with a temporary issue. It does not mean that your relationship is guaranteed to last forever, but it is a sure sign of great things ahead. If you do not see a future together, then it is time to call it quits. There is truly no use investing any more time or energy as you have most likely already emotionally detached from your partner or vice versa.
This post originally appeared on loving-community.com.
At any one point in our relationships, we have dealt with the question, “Is my relationship okay?” We have doubted that our partners care for us, and have wondered whether we have hit the high season a great romantic voyage. That is fairly common, and not a cause for alarm.
The knowledge that your relationship is on shaky ground is good; it shows that you care and are observant. The true question, then, is how to get it back up. How do you approach your partner and what do you need to ask them to get the restoration going?
Below is a list of questions that are light, yet leading – and if asked in the right setting and in the right way, will help you begin the process of rising again.
How are you?
Common as it may seem, people no longer ask their partners how they are. This simple question can help your partner talk about the frustrations they feel, their recent joys and even whether they feel overwhelmed. Ask this question in a leading yet non-confrontational way and sit back and truly listen to what they have to say. After all, healthy communication is the number one
Is there anything you need?
Acts of service and kindness especially in a marriage are crucial. Simple things like do you need me to lower the volume? Am I disturbing you in the morning or do you need me to get you water? Are questions that show you care and more than that, you are willing to go the extra mile and do something about it?
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Do you feel that something is wrong?
It is easy to assume we are the only ones bothered by the state of the relationship. Asking this question may make you realize that you have both noticed the distance and both of you are looking for solutions.
If your partner does not feel like there is a problem, casually and kindly explain to them why you feel there is a problem. Allow the discussion to go deeper.
Do I seem different to you?
Maybe our partners change when they feel like we are changing as well. Ask your loved one this question in a way that makes it seem like you want to know the answer and not to defend yourself.
If they feel you are different, ask them why and kindly explain yourself.
Is there anything you would like to talk about?
We would be shockedto realize that most people and especially men have a lot to say given the opportunity. In a relaxed setup, ask your lover if they feel they need to talk about something. It does not matter if they want to talk about the weather or football. The atmosphere of openness will allow them to go deeper if they so wish and enable you to steer the conversation in the direction you want.
What can we do differently?
Sometimes it is good to acknowledge that times have changed. How you communicated in the past or lived may be subject to change, which is perfectly fine. Ask your partner if they feel the need to do things differently. If they do, seek new ways that will be amicable for both of you and adopt them.
Do you want us to try something new?
Routines cause monotony. Sometimes all a relationship needs is a little spark. Ask them whether they would like to try something new – chances are, they do. Look for an adventure that will allow both of you to participate while stepping out of your comfort zone. Ultimately even a simple drive to a wine plant may be all you need to rekindle your relationship and create more intimacy.
How is life?
When couples who live alone finally create a family or adopt pets, one party will always feel left out and ignored. If your partner complains of being left out, ask them how they are. Chances are, they miss the old life. Ask about their annoying boss, their friends, their ride home – simple questions that make them feel heard and loved.
What is the hottest couple you know at the moment?
Their definition of what the hottest couple they think will give your insight on how to please them and impress them at the same time. Role-playing may not be such a bad idea after all.
Would you like to have sex? Are you in the mood?
Sexual chemistry is essential in a relationship. Sometimes all you need is the old college try to realize that maybe sexual frustration was all there was.
This post originally appeared on loving-community.com.
The oldest myth in the book
Since the dawn of ages has a compromise worked as the cure to all relationship problems. We get bombarded with this message from all sides whether it is on magazine articles on love or advice from older couples.
Don’t get me wrong, it is important and necessary every once in a while, to step down and find common ground during disputes. However, this otherwise healthy coping mechanism has been tarnished and is now the root of many relationship problems.
Compromising might be hurting your relationship
A compromise is agreeing to let go of your will and desires for your relationship’s sake. You might choose to let your partner have their way completely or settle on some middle ground. Either way, you do not get what your heart truly wanted. Here are five reasons why this could pose problems for your relationship.
- It’s often a lose-lose game
Losing mainly happens when you both choose to settle. You do not get what you want, and neither does your partner. From a far this might seem like a fair outcome, but the truth is that you both lost.
- It forces you to lower your standards
We all have our core principles and standards, and there is nothing wrong with that. Compromise often threatens these principles and will force you to lower your standards for the sake of the relationship. You are lying to yourself and will possibly not be able to deal with the new arrangements for very long.
- It allows an errant partner to get away with it
When it comes to disputes and arguments in a relationship, everyone is entitled to an opinion. However, more often than not there is one person who is more right. Compromising allows the other partner to get away with things that they should face. Issues they need to confront could be anything from infidelity to the division of house chores.
- It threatens reasonable needs
There is nothing wrong with wanting more from your partner whether it is time, attention or displays of affection. Compromising may be what keeps you from these well-deserved benefits of relationships.
- It fosters resentment
One thing that makes compromise one of the worst coping mechanisms is that it is only a temporary fix. You will usually choose to ignore your desires for peace’s sake. However, with time, this calm will be disturbed, and you will end up right where you started.
What to do instead
A lot can go wrong if you choose absolute compromise as your method of dealing with issues in your relationship. Thereare, however, a few other alternatives and alterations to this option that you should consider.
- Make an effort to understand
As already stated, there is usually someone right in the argument before jumping into conclusions and agreeing to disagree, take your time to understand your partner’s point of view. You might be surprised to learn that you are on the wrong and should probably not hold so tight to your beliefs.
- Take your time before making any decision
Many people rush into compromise as it is easier than losing or completely having to give up your beliefs. Do not pressure yourself into this wrong route. Instead, take your time to consider not only the facts but also your partner’s decision. That way, you will both end up on the same page.
- Full expression
Many couples compromise because having to express themselves seems too tiresome. Go out of your way to make your partner understand where you are coming from with the issue.
- Stand your ground
Finally, one great and often overlooked alternative to compromising is standing your ground. Showing that you have a backbone is important mainly with thing slike your core values and non-negotiable principles. Compromising in these cases makes you lose yourself and will lead to resentment down the road. To avoid this, stick to your guns at whatever cost; even if it means losing the relationship.
With all this information in mind, there is no denying the fact that compromising in a relationship bears a fair number of risks.
Instead, take the time to understand your partner and express yourself. More often than not only one person is right, and all it takes is efficient communication for this to come out.
You also need to be ready to stand your ground on disputes that threaten your core principles. Whatever the case, you need to avoid taking the easy way out through compromise.
This post originally appeared on loving-community.com.
First date magic
Going on your very first day can be a very daunting experience. On the one hand, you are excited to finally go out with this person that you have been getting to know. On the other hand, you know there is a possibility that it might not work out leaving you exactly where you started.
The last outcome is of course not desirable, but it is sometimes inevitable. It is also better to know on the first date that you are not compatible than to waste each other’s time and emotional energy only to find out later. Determining whether or not you are a good match is all about the questions you ask. Here are 7 of them that should get you started.
Seven questions you need to ask
How long have you been single and why?
First thing’s first, you need to establish whether or not your date is truly on the market. Unless of course, you are ok in which you can go ahead and skip this question.
However, if you want your man or woman all to yourself, this is a question you definitely cannot afford to leave out. It lets you get an idea of whether or not the person has healed from previous relationships and whether they are ready for a new one.
What are you looking for in a partner?
Knowing what you are after allows you to establish whether you are both a match by identifying traits in yourself that he or she may be looking for. If everything they describe is everything that you are not, you might want to start looking elsewhere.
It is also important to let them finish without interrupting in an attempt to offer yourself up as an option. The last thing you want is for them to describe you as their perfect partner simply because they knew that is what you wanted to hear.
What are your some of your flaws?
Awareness of your flaws is a very important question to give you an idea of what you are getting into. Probe for the juicy stuff and do not settle for fake modesty answers like ‘I am too generous’ or ‘I work too hard.’ The question should be open to both flaws in relationships and those in general life.
What are your pet peeves?
Knowing about your pet peeves helps you figure out whether there is anything you do that may put your date off. It could be that your date cannot stand the feeling of styling gel on hair or they hate tardiness. You need these answers so you can prepare yourself in advance and adjust your annoying behavior if there is a need for that.
Do you think you are ready for a commitment?
Trust me, you do not want to waste your time with a commitment-phobic person unless you are one yourself. And if that is the case you do not want to be stuck with someone who is constantly pressuring you to get into a relationship with them. This question is the only one on this list that requires that you are both on the same page.
Where do you see yourself in X number of years?
It could be a year, three, five or even ten. The answer here allows you to identify ambition and focus on your date. There is no correct answer here, but it is always a more positive sign if the person has an idea of what they would like to do with their lives. This particular question matters a lot for goal-oriented people.
How do you spend your weekends?
Again, you do not have to have the same interests. However, if some of their pastime activities check your pet peeves list, you shouldn’t consider a second date.
Compatibility is no similarity
Before you go on that date, one more thing you need to understand is that compatibility does not mean having everything in common. So if he likes to go out on the weekends and you are a couch potato, it does not mean you cannot make it work. The important thing is to understand all the good and bad that will come from a potential relationship with the person and deciding whether you can live with them.
So the next time you go on a first date make sure to arm yourself with these very important questions. It may seem intense at first, but it will save you a lot of trouble down the line.
This post originally appeared on loving-community.com.
These days, it seems that everywhere you turn there is some new challenge for you and your partner to face. Whether it is all the phony dating trends that came with 2018 or changes in attitude threating your idea of happily ever after, there is no doubt that you need to work harder to stay afloat as a couple.
What is probably one of the most frustrating set of obstacles involves social media. Whether you are hooked, or you haven’t had an account since the days of MySpace, the effect on these platforms on relationships is hard to ignore.
Below are four of what are considered the worst social media crimes in relationships. It is important to note that the reactions vary from person to person. What you might consider a pet peeve is to someone else the most sincere way to show that you are in love. We will also cover a few foolproof tips that will help you navigate through these tricky waters. That way, you don’t have to worry about something as petty as a Facebook post or lack thereof costing you your relationship.
4 Social media habits that could cost you your relationship
Oversharing is a rare problem in this day and age where it seems almost everyone is pro-social media. However, for the few who do not appreciate oversharing, this can be a major pet peeve.
It starts innocently enough with you sharing a cute photo, text screen grab or a sentimental shout out. In your mind, it is probably the modern-day equivalent or sending chocolates and flowers or some other grand romantic gesture.
It soon becomes pretty evident that your loving gesture backfires when it becomes a major fight. Fighting over this happens mainly with people who value their privacy almost to a fault. There is nothing wrong with this stance, but it is something that you should look out for as a potential pitfall.
Now, this is the one that is very common. In this case, you or your partner feels that the best way to show that you are thriving as a couple is by sharing evidence on it online. It could be anything from photos of you together on holiday to text posts describing your love to each other. If either of you considers this the ultimate display of love, then you might get irked when your significant other fails to live up to your expectations.
More often than not, you or your partner will feel under-valued. It is almost like they are not proud enough to show you off. Again there is nothing wrong with feeling this way so you shouldn’t feel ashamed or make your partner feel bad about being disappointed.
Airing out your dirty laundry
No one on planet earth enjoys having all their dirty secrets out in public. It is, therefore, one of the few social media pitfalls that is more or less universally unacceptable.
Maybe you fought, and your reaction is to post a long rant on Facebook complaining about how annoying your partner is. Or it could get to a dark point where you go as far as exposing private correspondence online as a way to get back at your partner. Whatever the case, it is not cool and is enough grounds to end the relationship.
Lack of public acknowledgment
It might sound petty to a lot of people, but it has ended more relationships that anyone would expect. Something as simple as changing your status from single to dating on Facebook can wipe away any insecurities in your significant other’s mind.
Many people make the mistake of assuming that posting their picture is enough. The argument here is this; how will anyone know that is your girlfriend/boyfriend and not a platonic friend? See how tricky it is?
These four issues highlighted above are almost laughable regarding how trivial they are. However numerous surveys have shown that very many people today value their online appearances more than ever before. We are pretty much living in a world where if it isn’t online then it doesn’t matter. So how exactly can your relationship survive with so many odds stacked against it? Here are three foolproof tips that will help.
- Talk it out
- Find a compromise
- Focus on your relationship
In conclusion, there is truly no problem too small to cause issues in your relationship. So do not underestimate the power of sending that tweet or failing to change your relationship status on Facebook. Instead, have an actual conversation about your expectations and hard limits. That way you do not unwittingly step on your partner’s toes as you go about your business of sharing your business.
This post originally appeared on loving-community.com.
What a year it has been
The world of romance and courtship is one that is very dynamic. However, there seems to have been more drastic deviations in the past couple of years than in recent memory. A lot has changed from how we meet to the rules that govern our interactions.
There are also some trends that have emerged that are worth mentioning. If you have actively been dating, then the chances are that you have experienced or witnessed some of these fads. You are probably even guilty of a few of them. However, if you haven’t been in the scene here are a few you need to be aware and prepared for before you get back into the game in 2018/2019.
Trends you need to be aware of
This type of phobia is without a doubt the most common trends of them all. It is sometimes also referred to as benching. Here, you find an awesome guy or girl who talks to you every single day. You get along super well, have a lot in common, and it truly seems like a match made in heaven. However, when you get to a place where you want to move things to the next level they hit you with those five painful words.
“I’m not ready to commit.”
The fake beau trend
These days, if it didn’t happen on social media, then it doesn’t count. The obsession with displaying private matters to the public is what has led to this second interesting trend. The faux-beau trend involves pretending that you are in an enviable serious relationship while in real life you are as painfully single as it gets.
Bragging, also sometimes referred to as flexting in modern lingo and you will either love it or hate it. It is where people get a free pass to brag and show off their achievements without judgment. You could send your love interest a photo of yourself on the beach on holiday to show you are not too badly off financially. It could also be a photo of those killer cheese-grater abs on your profile. It is still bragging, but the indirect nature of it makes it more tasteful than outright proclaiming your awesomeness.
No more playing hard to get
Playing hard to get the single most positive trend when it comes to 2018/2019 dating. No one has time to keep chasing you with so many options out there. There is no room for childish games. However, this doesn’t mean that people are easy and loose. It just means that they are more forward when it comes to disclosing their interest or lack thereof.
A new trend is replacing Catfishing, and it is in a lot of ways similar to the old nightmare of a trend. With kittenfishing, you have individuals setting up genuine accounts but telling one too many white lies about themselves. It could be about the amount of money they make, their interests and even their relationship status. It may not be as bad as Catfishing, but it is still super misleading and therefore annoying.
Ghosting and haunting
Dating these days has a supernatural twist to it with trends like ghosting and haunting. Ghosting is where someone you have been having constant communication with all of a sudden drops of the radar with no warning. Haunting, on the other hand, is the reverse of this where someone you have turned down fails to take the hint and keeps trying to reach out. Both are annoying and make finding love in 2018 a challenge.
The swiping is cheating movement
There is still a running debate with people on either side being very passionate about their points of view. However, there is an overwhelming majority of the opinion that maintaining an online dating presence is not ok while in a relationship. It is a trend that needs to be adopted if relationships are to survive in this day and age.
In a nutshell
If there were one perfect word to describe these trends, it would be ‘interesting.’ A few of them represent positive change and progress towards a more fun and open-minded dating environment. Unfortunately, most are annoying and disappointing which is why you need to go in ready. The important thing is to remember that whether you are being ghosted or kept in the friend zone, then you are not alone. It doesn’t mean it is ok, but it makes it easier to swallow.
The post ‘A Glossary Of All The Good, Bad And Seriously Questionable Dating Trends Of 2018/2019’ appeared first on Loving-Community.com.